Ondřej Neff, journalist and author of the internet daily Neviditelný pes (Invisible dog)

What did you want to be when you were a kid?
I wanted to be old enough to know what would come after the year 2000. This has come to pass, and I know that it was a naive wish.

What is the meaning of your life?
I look around, and when I see something interesting I tell others about it.

Who are your favorite painters?
Those who painted hell-bent, not any ass-kissers. Of the departed perhaps Mikuláš Medek, and of the living Kája Saudek.

Your favorite literary heroes?
Vonnegut’s Kilgore Trout. He’s a writer who can’t write, but he has good ideas.

Where will you never return?
To yesterday or further into the past. It was mostly not so hot, but sometimes it was fine.

What is never missing from your fridge?
Cheese. I like cheese.

Your favorite saying?
“Never mind what happened, it’s never happened before that nothing happened.”

What is your state of mind these days?
Controlled desperation with elements of absurd gaiety.

Your favorite insult?
I don’t understand very well what constitutes an insult. Stupid people can’t insult you, and clever people don’t. What can I add to that?

What do you like in women and what do you despise?
It depends on the woman, but in general I tolerate them better than men.

Which of your dreams has come true?
I was on Cape Canaveral.

If you had a dinner party and could invite five people from any country and any period in history, who would they be, and why?
I would invite Aristotle, Copernicus, Newton, Einstein, and Hubble – then I would close the dining room door and go away.

What’s the best place to make love?
If my memory serves me, wherever I have my best erection.

Do you think it’s better to always know the truth or to leave some things unknown?
The worst thing is that one always knows the truth. One just doesn’t want to admit it.

Do you like happy endings?
Why? Certainly. I like them because they don’t exist in reality.

How do you get up in the morning?
That’s a job for my dog Bart. He takes care of it.

Whom do people confuse you with?
With someone cheerful.

Musicals are very popular – are you preparing one too?
No way! I have lots of better things to do.

When do you feel lower than a dog?
Well, I’m pretty sensitive to atmospheric pressure. Like some sort of dirty fish.

Would you go on a trip to outer space?
Absolutely. I wouldn’t hesitate a second. Even on a one-way trip.

How would you like to die?
Like Ludvík Souček. Go to sleep and wake up dead.

Would you like a role in an action film?
You couldn’t think of anything more clever for a closing question? That’s what Zeman would say, but there are no stupid questions, just stupid answers. So I’ll answer – no, I wouldn’t.

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