Written by: Martin Zika
Art: Nenad Vitas

What did you want to be when you were a kid?
Thanks to my parents, when I was young I enjoyed existential security. I don’t remember ever asking myself this question.

What’s your reason for living?
I think life is like a grand tour. The main thing is to enjoy the ride – not to the detriment of your fellow travelers, naturally.

Why do you think you are such a popular subject for the tabloid press?
It’s not popularity, it’s just dumb inertia.

What truth would you like people to know about you?
I would prefer that they not know any, as the truth can be dangerous sometimes. Pleasant half-truths are better.

What is your favorite daytime activity?
Writing. Sad, huh?

As a former teacher, what is your reaction to a question about you being on the final high school graduation exam?
Finally! It was high time!

Would you act in a film based on your own novels? If so, in which one?
I’ve never given it a sober thought.

Where would you like to spend a vacation?
It depends on who paid for it. If I didn’t have to pay, perhaps the Maldives or the Caribbean.

Where will you never return?
The list would be long: to an army barracks; to the fairy tale of lost youth; to the Kotva department store…

What would you like to get for a present?
A wine cellar. Full.

What is never missing from your fridge?
Pickled chanterelles. I’ve had a jar of them in my fridge for 25 years.

What’s your favorite saying?
You can’t get blood from a stone.

What’s your favorite insult?
Fuck you! It’s so onomatopoetic, and it doesn’t even sound nasty.

What do you like in a man and what do you despise?
When he’s uglier than I am and has a small penis. I despise more handsome men with large penises.

What do you like in a woman and what do you despise?
I like femininity. I abhor a woman when she is vulgar, narrow-minded and cantankerous, and when she can’t recognize her attraction to me.

What do you like best about yourself?
My work ethic, nobility, intelligence, creativity, biceps, triceps, back muscles, empathy, ability to laugh at myself, and my modesty.

If you were organizing a dinner to which you could invite five people from any place and any era, whom would you invite?
I’d invite Anna Kournikova, and any other four people I was sure would not come.

Do you need to love to make love, or can you make love without love?
An erection is the only condition for making love, and not just for me.

What is the best place to make love?
Where it isn’t cold and there is a woman present.

What will you do if Václav Klaus becomes the president of the Czech Republic?
Nothing special…but my cardiologist would probably not allow me to listen to the New Year’s presidential address.

Do you think it’s better to say everything or not to know everything?
I’m afraid that, as Vladislav Vančura would say, your obscure question is nearly interesting.

Do you like happy endings? Why?
Yes. They help me maintain the false illusion that life is good.